You’ll be okay

You’ll be okay they say

He said you’ll be okay

You’ll move on ,you’ll get better

and as I write those words can’t help but feel some sorta of way I cant help it.

Today…..7 months out and almost 8 I’m hurt I’m devastated but I’m still standing.

When I think of all the pain I’ve endured these pass months I can’t believe I felt all that and pain and  gosh it hurt so much.

It’s amazing to me how much better I feel,Yes I still feel crazy,Yes I still want to run and fix it but I also have faith in time…and healing and that maybe just maybe we’ll be again and I feel bad for evening thinking of that idea

Sigh

I’ll be 👌🏻 okay but I hope to be better than just okay

If you knew

I feel I've told you everything I've been the most honest I could be.
It seemed like everything I said didn't change your decision it literally went in thru one ear and out the other.
I tell myself why and why,we loved each other and I knew you did .
I'm in bed and I wonder how your doing
God damm it I still love you I'm doing better but the hole in my heart still aches
I've kept busy I've been dedicated to what I'm focusing on
I'm aiming to budget and stay to my diet
I've made new friends
I've put some work in my work attire
It's been so long since we ended I find myself in denial did we even happen? Did this happen

I wish you knew how much it's hurt yet how much stronger I'm I still love you but also know I didn't deserve this…..I want to cry but I can't just cause I can't cry doesn't mean I feel any less I'm just sad but still moving forward will I love again oh gosh idk

Rash :china swimsuit

Sigh sigh 😔 I wore a swimsuit last week and it caused me a rash wore that same one today and the rash got wrost my arm stings it looks ugly I'm fearful that it's gonna leave an ugly scar.😭😭😭😭help I know it's not the pool causing the rash because than I would of gotten a rash a long time ago it's more the swimsuit it has to be something in the swimsuit broke causing some sort of dermatitis out break causing me this rags I think I made the rash wrost by adding lotion cause gosh it stung so much😭😭😭

Weekend wrap

Yesterday was about 🎢 roller coasters and sun burns.My brother decided last min to go to great America yes I went i a few rides but man do I get anixtey is that even a thing.I got in gold striker ,the demon twice ,the tkiki ,psycho mouse,the dileron and another five rides that I cant recall.One of the got me soaking wet and I literally threw up because of the smell of the water was so dang stronger no bueno.Park food will be park food expensive and not the best.After the park we headed to Applebee's in Dublin and enjoyed dinner man when we left it was freezing.I drove back home popped some ed sheeran and man the songs were playing.

Today was another day I went most of the day with the phone and felt a hole in my heart not because of my phone but him.Ive kept busy but I still feel and miss him you know.it sucks but I feel werid I'm in a new stage I think or i tell myself it's just harder to cry you see.

New hope

It's Friday and overall I'm feeling good!!! I've return to work feeling confident in what I'm doing and I feel like I know what I'm doing I'm not to stressed or worried 😩 I almost feel I'll play it by ear lol.Its amazing that I feel so confident at work I almost feel like a boss haha I'm try and be my best but I don't want work to get the best of me in the past work just made me ehh stressed worried and annoyed .Im sure those feelings will arise here or there but now I'm dedicated to focusing on me.

I'm dedicated to be on my diet and work hard to see results this week I've dropped 2percent fat which is a big win.Im excited for the changes my body will see I also want to be stronger .I crave a healthy life a crave mental health and overall health.Next week I plan on still swimming a few times a week, play tennis and find time for resting which for me that's important.!!!in terms of work keep up and find time to revise stuff.

I still think about him but as work has resume it feels it's been longer since everything happened.Earlier this week I cried and even yesterday I cried.I miss him I still love him but I also know he is no longer in my life.keeping busy has shifted my attention on other things and working out truly makes me feel better.I can't wait to walk around looking like a bawse and feeling like one too

Swimming,training ,diet

I hired a nutritionist about two weeks ago have been following the diet about 80 percent mostly frustrated that for a while he wasn't getting back to me.Ive been going to the training expect last week I only worked out twice so that's no bueno.This week I've gone all three days now the thing is making myself go on Friday .

Trust me I'm exhausted 😩 the workouts are hard and I feel I'm like a huge jelly fish 🐟 but that weights roughly 200 million pounds.Im sweating but I'm not in as much pain with my heart.i swam two days in a row and it felt great 👍🏻.Tomororw my new school year starts and I'm not as excited but I'm getting it together cause fuck I've worked hard to be what I'm so fuck it I'm embrace it .I hope tomororw is great and greater than ever it's gonna be the best teaching year yet!!!

Not normal

Today a friend told me I wasn't normal sigh she said I quote I just think most people get over breaks up sooner. Sigh than she said well I don't know how I would ever get over some thing like it. Started like a rough day but it turned around.

I cried up and to work at work when someone said something that just triggered it for it .Work was boring 🤦🏽‍♀️.I got home workout it was tough I felt like a whale went swimming after and now my ass should be asleep cause I'm do 5am😭.I was excited after I felt hopeful.