It was one of those days where you never know what the day will unfold, but you know it’s not the best when your cereal spills inside your car, you get flipped off, and cut off on the road. Work seems to go fine, and the day seems to move, and everything is normal just like any another day. Then you glance at your phone and the world suddenly stops while your heartbeat is racing against your own will. Your mind leaves your body and it’s running, with no direction. I drive, I walk, and the message from my phone is still heavily plastered in my mind. I think what should I do, what should I do. I know what my heart wants, it wants to run and skip towards you without regret. I stumbled for an hour and then I decided to call you, we talked, and agreed to meet.
As I drove towards you all the lights were red, I felt it was a sign that this wasn’t meant to be once again, as I got closer, I was more nervous. I arrived and you were looking around with a particular look, I must admit you looked a bit weird with a beer that was almost all gone. me .I saw you and me gave me a look I suddenly felt ugly ,tired and exhausted. I walked towards you sat down and I tired to fight my nerves I said hello and went talking about my day, very very fast you looked at me and tired to process everything I said and than you said do you want a drink, I said no I’ll grab something in a bit.
He insisted, “ take a drink of my beer”, I smelled it and it had some peachy smell, I said, “does this have peach in it” he then said to me, with a confused look, “no, it doesn’t have peach. Where do you get peach from?”
I sipped it and made an ugly face, like usual, he said to me, “why are you always making faces for everything”. I meanly replied, “oh, is that something you still remember about me”.
The next thirty minutes he went on talking about his “great and loving life”, you see we hadn’t seen each other in over a year. I, ideally, would of loved to hug him, but I couldn’t. As he talked I stared at his eyes and the little grey hairs on his fresh hair cut, he often asked “are you okay” and I would reply “yes just tired”.
He asked some questions, I gave him answers, I asked him some questions, and he gave me answers. Then he mentioned that he would be visiting his mom after so would he would have to head out soon. In that moment I felt I was boring, I wasn’t worth him staying any longer for. We kept talking. Than I asked something I knew the answer too but wanted to see what he would say , I asked, “are you dating?” he replied confidently, “yes, I am”. In that moment my heart broke I knew ,who he was with but before he would have lied, why not now, was I was so ugly after a year, was I hideous, was I even more fat now than he remember. Than my mind stopped and thought he really has moved on and I’m out of the picture. I swallowed a deep sigh as my heart recovered it’s beat. I stared down at the table and after a few other words I asked, “ so why did you want to see me after a year”. He looked into my eyes and I looked at his, he put his arm across the table and touched my face and said, “I wanted to see how you where doing”. In that moment, after my heart had just been shattered a few seconds before, I replied, in the most vulnerable way, “I’m okay just figuring life out”. He quickly replied, “what do you mean”, and I just said, “just trying to figure it out”.
He finished his beer and said, “walk with me”, I surprisingly said, “where ?”
“walk with me to my car” he said. We walked out the coffee shop and I said to him “where did you park?” he said,” behind the alley”. I mentioned to him that I parked on the opposite side ,he said, “I’ll drop you off”. We walked down the alley and I was nervous I didn’t want to be alone with him. I got scared as I got into his car, in my mind I kept thinking “where are you taking me?”. We talked, he sat down and looked at me, he came close to my face and grabbed it, trying to kiss me. I pushed him off and said, “what are you doing? You have a girlfriend”, He replied, ”so …you have someone too”. I stared out of the car and he was confused, I started to talk about something else. I looked at him and he replied, “what?”, I say that I’m tired and I notice his grey hairs, as we joke about his age he calls me a bitch for saying he’s 34. He says, “I’m only 31” I reply with, “its been so long, I forgot”, but than again we were four years apart ,I look at him and met his eyes .His eyes looked so sad, however they were so full of life, wanting something more , full of lust. My eyes got lost in his and as he reached towards me I meet him half way. We kissed but his mouth, felt too small and I’m mostly getting tongue. I adjust myself; it had been ever since I’ve kissed this man but every part of me wanted to kiss him. I’ve wanted to kiss him, I’ve thought of kissing him, and for a moment I wanted this moment to last forever. Kissing in the car I got scared by our surroundings, I pull away and he says that no one is around and that we were fine. He reaches for my leg, and I pull towards him, kissing him. As we kiss he whispers, “tell me something I wanna hear”, I say to him, as I kiss him, “I have thought about you this whole year”, he whispers again “tell something I wanna hear” and as we kiss something inside of me boils and the words come out with anger “why am I not
fuckin good enough for you”.