You’ll be okay

You’ll be okay they say

He said you’ll be okay

You’ll move on ,you’ll get better

and as I write those words can’t help but feel some sorta of way I cant help it.

Today…..7 months out and almost 8 I’m hurt I’m devastated but I’m still standing.

When I think of all the pain I’ve endured these pass months I can’t believe I felt all that and pain and  gosh it hurt so much.

It’s amazing to me how much better I feel,Yes I still feel crazy,Yes I still want to run and fix it but I also have faith in time…and healing and that maybe just maybe we’ll be again and I feel bad for evening thinking of that idea

Sigh

I’ll be 👌🏻 okay but I hope to be better than just okay

Weekend wrap

Yesterday was about 🎢 roller coasters and sun burns.My brother decided last min to go to great America yes I went i a few rides but man do I get anixtey is that even a thing.I got in gold striker ,the demon twice ,the tkiki ,psycho mouse,the dileron and another five rides that I cant recall.One of the got me soaking wet and I literally threw up because of the smell of the water was so dang stronger no bueno.Park food will be park food expensive and not the best.After the park we headed to Applebee's in Dublin and enjoyed dinner man when we left it was freezing.I drove back home popped some ed sheeran and man the songs were playing.

Today was another day I went most of the day with the phone and felt a hole in my heart not because of my phone but him.Ive kept busy but I still feel and miss him you know.it sucks but I feel werid I'm in a new stage I think or i tell myself it's just harder to cry you see.

New hope

It's Friday and overall I'm feeling good!!! I've return to work feeling confident in what I'm doing and I feel like I know what I'm doing I'm not to stressed or worried 😩 I almost feel I'll play it by ear lol.Its amazing that I feel so confident at work I almost feel like a boss haha I'm try and be my best but I don't want work to get the best of me in the past work just made me ehh stressed worried and annoyed .Im sure those feelings will arise here or there but now I'm dedicated to focusing on me.

I'm dedicated to be on my diet and work hard to see results this week I've dropped 2percent fat which is a big win.Im excited for the changes my body will see I also want to be stronger .I crave a healthy life a crave mental health and overall health.Next week I plan on still swimming a few times a week, play tennis and find time for resting which for me that's important.!!!in terms of work keep up and find time to revise stuff.

I still think about him but as work has resume it feels it's been longer since everything happened.Earlier this week I cried and even yesterday I cried.I miss him I still love him but I also know he is no longer in my life.keeping busy has shifted my attention on other things and working out truly makes me feel better.I can't wait to walk around looking like a bawse and feeling like one too

A Sunday in August

Today I had hangout day planned with my friend which wasn't really planned but you get I felt nuts when I felt my house to pick her up.I cried the whole car ride up there we ate Korean.I was so proud we didn't spend much.We didn't do much other than drive and it be successful at finding anything I was tired by the time I got home.I was trying to hide my rocks but I was to coward too.

I got home and started being in this funk again I had a homework task and I couldn't bare to deal with the list or rewrite the list.However I did do the mirror activity.We later hid rocks and found some too it was pretty cool.

Today I'm making a promise to myself I will improve myself for myself and only myself no matter what the fuck was written on a mother fuckin list.I often times feel many eyes are on this page I wonder sometimes.I wonder if they think I'm a nut.

For the last 8 years I'm completely alone not dating anyone seriously or casually no one trying to get to know me.I'm completely alone and I'll admit that's very scary it is.My account doesn't look fun at all I mean it literally.I don't even want to check it!

Love

Love
Sometimes you have it
Sometimes you don't
Sometimes you find it
Sometimes you get hit with it
Sometimes it makes you cry
Sometimes it makes you regret the things you've said
Sometimes you can't adult

❤️ love
Oh love
I knew I loved you before I knew
Just like love I took you for granted
Oh love ❤️ you make me feel like I've never before broken and lost for what I've lost

I believe in novelas and happily ever afters
I believe in faith and destiny
I believe in ment to bes

I'm sending a prayer to the universe that I trust and believe this process I trust and believe our paths will cross once we are stronger and healthier I'm clouded but I trust and believe we will be ment to be…..if that's gods plan

Trust and believe

Muir Woods hike

Today's another day so I woke ehh not feeling it but nonetheless I took myself hiking.It happens that you have a bad mood or bad state of mind and it cares out thru the day kinda of .Hiking was okay but I ill be honest couldn't really enjoy it my mind be playing me my knee was weak it was hurting it was sore.

The whole time I think I was complaining about the distance oh and let's keep in mind that I had a whole in my pants no fun oh no fun.We hiked about 8miles.After we had burgers man I didn't really want to eat burgers but ehh.I was really honest with my younger cousin and I think he was like damm okay cousin heheh he was kind tho.Drive back to my cousins house was ehh long ,sad and boring.We got stuck in traffic and my cousin was blasting music and me and my brothers girlfriend were just looking at each other like omg help.It was during a song that god damm I started feeling the tears coming down and gosh it sucked i wiped them off and carried on.We drove back home felt exhausted shower ate cereal iced my knee took a walk cried some and gosh I hate the tears.

July updates,Hikes outsidelands,Rock climbing

So spite everything happening  wait hold up

like girl whats really happening is all in my mind(not really yet more painful in my mind), but we will talk about that in its time.So I've been kinda of busy even though I want to cry in bed and tell my ex to take my back as I write this I realize how stupid that sounds like my brother would say "yeah go ahead do that" and I'd be "thats retarded" and he would say" yes its fuckin retarted".🤦🏽‍♀️

Okay I'm give him a few sentences so sometimes you want to make it work and give it fuck 200percent and compromise stuff but no  matter how high or how awesome you maybe( but lets be real I feel like loser) they don't want to workout it out so that hurts and thats where I'm at right now.I'll be honest I just feel lied to by the person I shared my life with these pass three yearsOkay thats enough on him🙄

Onwards so I went hiking with my bestie and her boyfriend my favorite couple Julissa and David.It was fun but god it was hot we survied the heat and had a pretty good hike with a nice view at coyote something park.After that we grabbed some burgers and headed home.A few days after I've picked up tennis played tennis with my bestie Marath and now making it a habit to play once a week with either Marath or Andrea my brothers girlfriend.Later in the week I went hiking with my older cousins I was gonna write a whole blog post but because of how I was feeling just adding to this wrap it was fun but also sad cause my family is a reminder of HOW  that relationship is missing for me.So we hiked in sf  lands ends I challenged my older cousin to race up the stairs yea I lost:(.I ate joes crab for the first time ever.We went to colt tower that was fun.Ate ice cream at their place.Friday I saw two friends caught up with them.Saturday went to do rock climbing which was exhuasting, got a flat tire and saw person that ruined my life by accident, and said goodbye to my ex,fuck what a day.Sunday sisters bday dinner with the fam and than watched  girls trip that movie is hilarous .Monday went to see how things were at work.Tuesday signed up at my old gym and seen old friends I'm be a bridesmaid you'll my friend is getting married ahhh so happy for her.Wednesday worked out,met my nutrionist , had a good conversation with my long last friend.Thursday woke up feeling ehhh but gave Maryanna a ride we had breakfast and worked out, feeling hopeful that I'm finally going to find peace with myself and no I'm not talking about the breakup but in its time we will talk about.Why because its something important to me and overall its been something that has shaped me but in its time I will speak on why its important to find that peace aside from the breakup, yes i want to find peace with that too but the peace with myself has been a long haul of igorning  which maybe could of changed my story but cant look at it like that anyways so thats my wrap for the week.I feel I wrote my whole damm diary.I will be coming back with the bookreviews but currently not feeling them they seemed kinda forced to me right now so peace out. See you soon thank you for that have been following me and supporting me thru this is not what I wanted my brave diaries to be but like in  life sometimes we need to reshape things.