New hope

It's Friday and overall I'm feeling good!!! I've return to work feeling confident in what I'm doing and I feel like I know what I'm doing I'm not to stressed or worried 😩 I almost feel I'll play it by ear lol.Its amazing that I feel so confident at work I almost feel like a boss haha I'm try and be my best but I don't want work to get the best of me in the past work just made me ehh stressed worried and annoyed .Im sure those feelings will arise here or there but now I'm dedicated to focusing on me.

I'm dedicated to be on my diet and work hard to see results this week I've dropped 2percent fat which is a big win.Im excited for the changes my body will see I also want to be stronger .I crave a healthy life a crave mental health and overall health.Next week I plan on still swimming a few times a week, play tennis and find time for resting which for me that's important.!!!in terms of work keep up and find time to revise stuff.

I still think about him but as work has resume it feels it's been longer since everything happened.Earlier this week I cried and even yesterday I cried.I miss him I still love him but I also know he is no longer in my life.keeping busy has shifted my attention on other things and working out truly makes me feel better.I can't wait to walk around looking like a bawse and feeling like one too

A Sunday in August

Today I had hangout day planned with my friend which wasn't really planned but you get I felt nuts when I felt my house to pick her up.I cried the whole car ride up there we ate Korean.I was so proud we didn't spend much.We didn't do much other than drive and it be successful at finding anything I was tired by the time I got home.I was trying to hide my rocks but I was to coward too.

I got home and started being in this funk again I had a homework task and I couldn't bare to deal with the list or rewrite the list.However I did do the mirror activity.We later hid rocks and found some too it was pretty cool.

Today I'm making a promise to myself I will improve myself for myself and only myself no matter what the fuck was written on a mother fuckin list.I often times feel many eyes are on this page I wonder sometimes.I wonder if they think I'm a nut.

For the last 8 years I'm completely alone not dating anyone seriously or casually no one trying to get to know me.I'm completely alone and I'll admit that's very scary it is.My account doesn't look fun at all I mean it literally.I don't even want to check it!

Muir Woods hike

Today's another day so I woke ehh not feeling it but nonetheless I took myself hiking.It happens that you have a bad mood or bad state of mind and it cares out thru the day kinda of .Hiking was okay but I ill be honest couldn't really enjoy it my mind be playing me my knee was weak it was hurting it was sore.

The whole time I think I was complaining about the distance oh and let's keep in mind that I had a whole in my pants no fun oh no fun.We hiked about 8miles.After we had burgers man I didn't really want to eat burgers but ehh.I was really honest with my younger cousin and I think he was like damm okay cousin heheh he was kind tho.Drive back to my cousins house was ehh long ,sad and boring.We got stuck in traffic and my cousin was blasting music and me and my brothers girlfriend were just looking at each other like omg help.It was during a song that god damm I started feeling the tears coming down and gosh it sucked i wiped them off and carried on.We drove back home felt exhausted shower ate cereal iced my knee took a walk cried some and gosh I hate the tears.

July updates,Hikes outsidelands,Rock climbing

So spite everything happening  wait hold up

like girl whats really happening is all in my mind(not really yet more painful in my mind), but we will talk about that in its time.So I've been kinda of busy even though I want to cry in bed and tell my ex to take my back as I write this I realize how stupid that sounds like my brother would say "yeah go ahead do that" and I'd be "thats retarded" and he would say" yes its fuckin retarted".🤦🏽‍♀️

Okay I'm give him a few sentences so sometimes you want to make it work and give it fuck 200percent and compromise stuff but no  matter how high or how awesome you maybe( but lets be real I feel like loser) they don't want to workout it out so that hurts and thats where I'm at right now.I'll be honest I just feel lied to by the person I shared my life with these pass three yearsOkay thats enough on him🙄

Onwards so I went hiking with my bestie and her boyfriend my favorite couple Julissa and David.It was fun but god it was hot we survied the heat and had a pretty good hike with a nice view at coyote something park.After that we grabbed some burgers and headed home.A few days after I've picked up tennis played tennis with my bestie Marath and now making it a habit to play once a week with either Marath or Andrea my brothers girlfriend.Later in the week I went hiking with my older cousins I was gonna write a whole blog post but because of how I was feeling just adding to this wrap it was fun but also sad cause my family is a reminder of HOW  that relationship is missing for me.So we hiked in sf  lands ends I challenged my older cousin to race up the stairs yea I lost:(.I ate joes crab for the first time ever.We went to colt tower that was fun.Ate ice cream at their place.Friday I saw two friends caught up with them.Saturday went to do rock climbing which was exhuasting, got a flat tire and saw person that ruined my life by accident, and said goodbye to my ex,fuck what a day.Sunday sisters bday dinner with the fam and than watched  girls trip that movie is hilarous .Monday went to see how things were at work.Tuesday signed up at my old gym and seen old friends I'm be a bridesmaid you'll my friend is getting married ahhh so happy for her.Wednesday worked out,met my nutrionist , had a good conversation with my long last friend.Thursday woke up feeling ehhh but gave Maryanna a ride we had breakfast and worked out, feeling hopeful that I'm finally going to find peace with myself and no I'm not talking about the breakup but in its time we will talk about.Why because its something important to me and overall its been something that has shaped me but in its time I will speak on why its important to find that peace aside from the breakup, yes i want to find peace with that too but the peace with myself has been a long haul of igorning  which maybe could of changed my story but cant look at it like that anyways so thats my wrap for the week.I feel I wrote my whole damm diary.I will be coming back with the bookreviews but currently not feeling them they seemed kinda forced to me right now so peace out. See you soon thank you for that have been following me and supporting me thru this is not what I wanted my brave diaries to be but like in  life sometimes we need to reshape things.

More often

Today was another day today I talked about the issue a lot I cried I constantly cried because i felt I wasn't good enough not worth it.I woke up feeling like fuck why I'm feeling this way .I want to feel better but I'm currently blocked by it.my cousin sent me a app to help with mending the heart.My heart feels heavy.

I will be using my blog to help me cope with everything I'm dealing with it hurts you know.So maybe I'll be writing more some will be random some may be short others maybe long .

Sweet cousins

Sigh another post today was my sisters birthday and I'll admit I try and put a brave front I'll be honest I'm doing pretty good tonight.I'm start writing a day by day series until I feel I've completely healed .My cousins came out for my sisters bday I had a rough morning zombie driving feeling gross in the am.Driving to my friends house,driving by his street to throw an old valentine bear yes I did that don't worry the bear was tossed far from his house he may see it at the stop.I had lunch with my friend got home felt sick and napped my parents don't like to see me napping.I feel my father is worried about my state of mind sorry dad I'm trying.I woke felt not much engery start reading blogs on acceptance and felt hope.My sister was excited about her bday but in my heart I wasn't in it.My cousins came they got me to change into some clothes.We had dinner before dinner I asked my cousin about how he dealt with his social media and he was pretty chill and said it helped a lot I knew his twin brother wasn't to thrill to hear about my annoying breakup.After dinner my cousins were worried about a blog post I had posted.I told them everything I had been going thru and how I got to that car ride and my feelings .They were so sweet and it truly touched my heart when they said everything would be okay .thank cousins night

Annoying 

So my younger cousin (Katy) yes I’m putting her on blast damm lol asked me how I was doing I said wonderful and she asked why are you getting married?.I felt anger as she wrote that why ?you  ,may ask well for starters I felt like she implied  that I need to be married by now.Yes that’s me thinking she thought that but it was rude.Than my other cousin voiced popped in my head  she said ” they in Mexico what else they gonna do”.Her statement was accurate to a certain point.I dont dis the marriage idea or parenting  idea but I don’t like being asked like I’m desperately wanting it .I have many things going for me and many projects I wish to venture out so yes Katy your comments are annoying and hoesntly disrespectful and rude  because to assume someone needs to be getting married to feel wonderful is shallow. Okay rant over