If you knew

I feel I've told you everything I've been the most honest I could be.
It seemed like everything I said didn't change your decision it literally went in thru one ear and out the other.
I tell myself why and why,we loved each other and I knew you did .
I'm in bed and I wonder how your doing
God damm it I still love you I'm doing better but the hole in my heart still aches
I've kept busy I've been dedicated to what I'm focusing on
I'm aiming to budget and stay to my diet
I've made new friends
I've put some work in my work attire
It's been so long since we ended I find myself in denial did we even happen? Did this happen

I wish you knew how much it's hurt yet how much stronger I'm I still love you but also know I didn't deserve this…..I want to cry but I can't just cause I can't cry doesn't mean I feel any less I'm just sad but still moving forward will I love again oh gosh idk

Weekend wrap

Yesterday was about 🎢 roller coasters and sun burns.My brother decided last min to go to great America yes I went i a few rides but man do I get anixtey is that even a thing.I got in gold striker ,the demon twice ,the tkiki ,psycho mouse,the dileron and another five rides that I cant recall.One of the got me soaking wet and I literally threw up because of the smell of the water was so dang stronger no bueno.Park food will be park food expensive and not the best.After the park we headed to Applebee's in Dublin and enjoyed dinner man when we left it was freezing.I drove back home popped some ed sheeran and man the songs were playing.

Today was another day I went most of the day with the phone and felt a hole in my heart not because of my phone but him.Ive kept busy but I still feel and miss him you know.it sucks but I feel werid I'm in a new stage I think or i tell myself it's just harder to cry you see.

Currently

Sigh I've been posting some rough stuff that maybe by the end things will make sense to me why I feel the way I do.Still tough still at a lost when people ask me about him I can't help but feel a punch in the gut like why are you asking me.I feel my face is transparent and you can tell the pain I'm enduring .I know how I feel isn't going to bring you back it's not but I could only wish .im currently in pain cause my bladder aches I have yet again a uti.Why haven't I reached acceptance Why?

It hurts god knows how much and the lost feels like it shouldn't of happened.I hold my heart ❤️ and tell it in a whisper you'll be fine again .

As the thoughts of him finding love and hope again break mine but I only wonder if he's really smiling sigh 😔

16months Later..

I wrote  this mid into my college years  I went back and read this old note and decided to fix and changed some stuff, I hope it makes sense cause I  was having a hard time getting it lol.

Written April,2011
Months Later..

sometimes I have a hard time sleeping….
sometimes..I cry
sometimes I wish it was a bad dream
sometimes I wish I could go back in time and say what hasn’t been said that didn’t happen to me
It’s been months..and I’am now 16months older and wiser..so I suppose….
The shadows follow me in this ghost town
The memories play in fast forward and rewind… And I am still a little scared because sometimes some things will never be the same...I know they clearly haven’t
before…it was differenet different

I.. Really didn’t know who I was….

I knew were

I wanted to go..

But not really who I was…

I wonder if I’ll ever get the nerve to write the closing letter to this chapter..I’m still waiting to let go desperately ..

If her little eyes met mine she would probably make me smile with her small tender heart..

I could forgive…. That time.. The pain the sorrow… That at night sometimes follow…. She’s ur your saver.. She’s ur your angel… And  16 months later I still try to forget…it all

Hug

Can I just run up to you and hug you and say I didn’t forget your birthday and I miss you and never let go.Hoping in return I get a tight hug and a smile and find myself wrapped around your arms.

Sigh

However my reality is it’s Sunday night and I’m washing dishes and fighting a UIT 😭.Why I’m at fear in why I ,at doubt Why can’t I we just talk,laugh smile and ultimately hug 🤗

Still crying 

I’m still crying I partly have lost count but I’ve hit a new low.Ive made progress but I feel just like the first day or maybe even worst cause I’m constantly fighting with the calendar and myself.I don’t know how I’m suppose to really feel or how I’m suppose to be “over it”.I don’t like many things around me and god maybe mad at me for being so ungrateful for my health work and roof over my head and I’m grateful because it could be worst.But I’ll be honest I’m not happy I’m sad a couple months I felt angry and now it’s sadness in and out.The list haunts me the calendar punishes me I punish myself by not taking care of me I feel like an ugly fat troll.I’m asking myself what’s next well I ever be okay again what will make me happy how long is this low?when I look at the outside I feel left behind from my friends as there life’s seem to prosper I still feel sad and broken like a broken record.I’m happy for them but I can’t feel really happy when I’m not I’ve learned to hate holding in pee heat and working out I hate the feeling of anger and sadness .I keep telling myself nothing is forever but as I look at the calendar I can’t help and feel more torn knowing my birthday is days away and how I’d like to spend. MY 🎈 birthday is almost impossible 

One decision 

Thinking back to the day that has brought me to where I’m today  brings me all kinds of storylines and endless what ifs.You see sometimes one decision can get you where you are maybe if I would of never decided to ask the handsome guy that was a complete stranger  if he had purchased the textbook 📚 for the class maybe things would of been so different .This guy had taken my attention from the moment I saw him but if your thinking he’s the protagonist or hero of this story spoiler alert 🚨 he’s the complete opposite.We talked met became friends ,and more I got to know him and what if I would of refused to hangout or just not gone that day would it eventually happened anyways?Maybe I should of just never asked him about the textbook .But what if would of ending up talking because we had two classes it was hard not to notice we had two classes back to back.Maybe I just shouldn’t of noticed him.All these events to that time are what ifs I’d never know.However I did I went and that day changed my life I guess I didn’t know that day how my life would turn and how the dents of that day would create deeper wounds and prolonged ❤️ heart ache 😖

It happened the scar healed I 💭 thought life was on track and than the frist crisis came I didn’t understand I tried at love and for some reason the crisis where more often and that ended.i struggled but I met someone and I thought the issues of the crisis where things of the past I was in a good place than they came in and out  but they came I practiced control and I got good at being in control but I wasn’t as successful it just bought time than the end came and my heart broke like it never had before I was torn and now I cry 😭 thinking why did I make that decision that has untangled pain over time that hasn’t healed what was taken.