Can I just run up to you and hug you and say I didn’t forget your birthday and I miss you and never let go.Hoping in return I get a tight hug and a smile and find myself wrapped around your arms.


However my reality is it’s Sunday night and I’m washing dishes and fighting a UIT 😭.Why I’m at fear in why I ,at doubt Why can’t I we just talk,laugh smile and ultimately hug 🤗

Still crying 

I’m still crying I partly have lost count but I’ve hit a new low.Ive made progress but I feel just like the first day or maybe even worst cause I’m constantly fighting with the calendar and myself.I don’t know how I’m suppose to really feel or how I’m suppose to be “over it”.I don’t like many things around me and god maybe mad at me for being so ungrateful for my health work and roof over my head and I’m grateful because it could be worst.But I’ll be honest I’m not happy I’m sad a couple months I felt angry and now it’s sadness in and out.The list haunts me the calendar punishes me I punish myself by not taking care of me I feel like an ugly fat troll.I’m asking myself what’s next well I ever be okay again what will make me happy how long is this low?when I look at the outside I feel left behind from my friends as there life’s seem to prosper I still feel sad and broken like a broken record.I’m happy for them but I can’t feel really happy when I’m not I’ve learned to hate holding in pee heat and working out I hate the feeling of anger and sadness .I keep telling myself nothing is forever but as I look at the calendar I can’t help and feel more torn knowing my birthday is days away and how I’d like to spend. MY 🎈 birthday is almost impossible 

One decision 

Thinking back to the day that has brought me to where I’m today  brings me all kinds of storylines and endless what ifs.You see sometimes one decision can get you where you are maybe if I would of never decided to ask the handsome guy that was a complete stranger  if he had purchased the textbook 📚 for the class maybe things would of been so different .This guy had taken my attention from the moment I saw him but if your thinking he’s the protagonist or hero of this story spoiler alert 🚨 he’s the complete opposite.We talked met became friends ,and more I got to know him and what if I would of refused to hangout or just not gone that day would it eventually happened anyways?Maybe I should of just never asked him about the textbook .But what if would of ending up talking because we had two classes it was hard not to notice we had two classes back to back.Maybe I just shouldn’t of noticed him.All these events to that time are what ifs I’d never know.However I did I went and that day changed my life I guess I didn’t know that day how my life would turn and how the dents of that day would create deeper wounds and prolonged ❤️ heart ache 😖

It happened the scar healed I 💭 thought life was on track and than the frist crisis came I didn’t understand I tried at love and for some reason the crisis where more often and that ended.i struggled but I met someone and I thought the issues of the crisis where things of the past I was in a good place than they came in and out  but they came I practiced control and I got good at being in control but I wasn’t as successful it just bought time than the end came and my heart broke like it never had before I was torn and now I cry 😭 thinking why did I make that decision that has untangled pain over time that hasn’t healed what was taken.

Quotes by me

I will be sharing quotes I develop or come up with in the moment or just play plain experience today I’ll share a two ….💕

“Your withdrawal is evident just like rainy days ”

 (Today’s favorite listed below)

“I miss you like the sun misses the moon ,all day ,everyday .”

The biggest sigh

Sighhhhhhhhhh I know my blog post have been all over the place I truly want to write about all the good that happens the things I learn the things that make me wonder but than I get in some type of mood and I’m literally blocked no inspiration no motive no drive just plain stuck.And that right there is the longest sentences ever.School is closing up and I really don’t feel like don’t much.I wanna stay focus on projects but I can’t.I cant manage to maintain a high.Theres a song I’m the radio that’s called I got issues and man I feel like it fits me so well I’ve found myself with an unbalance to much shopping not enough sleep eating crap feeling unhappy and as I try and repair the holes I can manage to build there has been good but overall it’s been a struggle Today I pulled out like 8 dresses that use to fit and now I’m making self fit back into them by august one way or another .I need to stay focus clam and sain.To getting back to macros to actually enjoying working out and healthier knees more water and more happy duck transition is a bicth  

The flower project

About two months ago I did something pretty cool I wasn’t feeling at my greatest and I wanted to give back.I thought about people that I don’t hardly talk to everyday but when they share there story with me I feel so connected to them some of these people were close friends and other were acquaintances.Since I was going thru a hard time I thought what would make me smile in these rough times and I thought Flowers’s and nice notes.I drove to my nearest traders Joe’s and bought about 6 dozens of flowered wrote notes and delivered them around town.I will admit I was feeling discouraged when I would drive somewhere and people wouldn’t be there or I couldn’t get flowers delivered to them so for some I had to leave them with a name but nonetheless the deed felt so good and rewarding.

It gave me a little happiness to see others smile as they received unexpected flowers I hope to do this again and make more people smile.

Dear:Diary (gosh I miss you)

I can’t help it you know I miss you .Sometimes when people are far or close you can’t help but miss them. And that’s exactly how I feel about you missing you lots.I miss you more each day still mad with the calendar but working on me as I know you work on you like to lights in the sky we will shine again together and brighter thn ever ❤️