A Sunday in August

Today I had hangout day planned with my friend which wasn't really planned but you get I felt nuts when I felt my house to pick her up.I cried the whole car ride up there we ate Korean.I was so proud we didn't spend much.We didn't do much other than drive and it be successful at finding anything I was tired by the time I got home.I was trying to hide my rocks but I was to coward too.

I got home and started being in this funk again I had a homework task and I couldn't bare to deal with the list or rewrite the list.However I did do the mirror activity.We later hid rocks and found some too it was pretty cool.

Today I'm making a promise to myself I will improve myself for myself and only myself no matter what the fuck was written on a mother fuckin list.I often times feel many eyes are on this page I wonder sometimes.I wonder if they think I'm a nut.

For the last 8 years I'm completely alone not dating anyone seriously or casually no one trying to get to know me.I'm completely alone and I'll admit that's very scary it is.My account doesn't look fun at all I mean it literally.I don't even want to check it!

How I really feel

Yesterday I mopped I felt sad but I really couldn't 😭 cry.I didn't want to go to my workout I just didn't.It was a rough morning feeling I did however go to the store I wondered while i drove .I got home ate breakfast than went with my brother so he can get his tires ✅.We walked around I hide some rocks and found some too. In my city we started a thing where you hide a rock and someone else finds it.The whole rock idea is great however I kinda feel rejected by the universe in terms that my hidden rocks aren't being found.

I guess I'm at lost when I know I'm doing things that maybe before I wouldn't do like driving around like walking and just feeling lost.After going with my brother i Felt ugh.anyways we were at the mall I saw someone that use to work at target and I totally walked the other way in efforts not to be asked.

Got home felt anxious and went to the gym it was lonely which is always nice.ive kept myself busy I have but I'm frustrated my brother told me what you doing? I said I'm moping he said why you have no reason to.I know why he said it.later he gave me a look and he said eats wrong I said I just can't get over it in a day he's like you had many days.He's right I've had several days and months.I woke up feeling why I'm feeling this way I don't want to be stuck I want to be over it.As much as I want to hold on it's eating me and I feel dumb to I feel pressured by my friends and family to be over it I feel they expect me to be happy and solemnly focused on me and that's hard.I feel like a pet of me has be wired out and yes that's what breakups do I just feel so much pressure that I feel stuck.

I just remembered last night I had a dream that I had a baby the baby was a couple months old but I had to coparent with the ex.In the dream it was exhausting because I was trying to make things easy for my ex in terms of coparenting.I keep praying and I want to be out of this state of mind that I feel is breaking my inside broken hearts aren't fun I feel lost like who is going to come in my life that will be so awesome and truly worth my time 😔

Rip dear aunt

My aunt Martha ends her journey on this world I have a a few memories with her but I'll always remember her funny 😂 laugh her gobble sense of humor going over to her house making quick visits as I got older and her always. Saying girl were you going all the memories are in videos and I'll cherish in my heart ❤️ I ask for acceptance for my family and my older cousin Javier because my hearts with you rest easy tia

Fallen out of…

Today was another a day a busy Friday in fact.I woke up mad didn't follow my diet wasn't feeling happy at all.

Yesterday I went walking with a friend that's a counselor I cried my eyes out during the walk I realized I still have pain and I don't wanna let go.I feel guilty I feel I've lost this big piece of my life and I feel stupid for feeling that way.She gave me some homework and I still have to do it.She did however told me my priority is to be mentally healthy.

I had meetings at work I didn't stay much after.I cried some on my way to work.I ordered a burrito from rubios and was like bla didn't even enjoy it.

I got home showered bought supplies to paint rocks.I hid some rocks .I drove around.I felt anxiety I feel kinda lost with my routine.I bought lolicup and painted it helped.I went to the movies and I talked with my best friend.I feel pressured I told her I feel I need to be over it I feel it's wrong to still hold feels I'm afraid of being stuck I'm afraid 😳 of the unknown I'm fearful of what people think I desperately want to feel healthy.Yet so many thoughts run my mind as it drives me crazy 😭😭and I tell myself you'll be okay trust and believe everything that's ment to be will be will be trust

Love

Love
Sometimes you have it
Sometimes you don't
Sometimes you find it
Sometimes you get hit with it
Sometimes it makes you cry
Sometimes it makes you regret the things you've said
Sometimes you can't adult

❤️ love
Oh love
I knew I loved you before I knew
Just like love I took you for granted
Oh love ❤️ you make me feel like I've never before broken and lost for what I've lost

I believe in novelas and happily ever afters
I believe in faith and destiny
I believe in ment to bes

I'm sending a prayer to the universe that I trust and believe this process I trust and believe our paths will cross once we are stronger and healthier I'm clouded but I trust and believe we will be ment to be…..if that's gods plan

Trust and believe

7 months

Today marks 7 months and I still cry and it still hurts but…..I'm hopefully even if I have some underline hope I wanna believe in telenovela shit but today I'm still taking care of myself even if it's the hardest thing yet

Happier by ed sheeran

Today I replayed and replayed this song!!!
Over and over and over .
Here's the lyrics and video 😊!!!

Walking down 29th and Park
I saw you in another's arms
Only a month we've been apart
You look happier
Saw you walk inside a bar
He said something to make you laugh
I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours
Yeah, you look happier, you do
Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you
But ain't nobody love you like I do
Promise that I will not take it personal, baby
If you're moving on with someone new
'Cause baby you look happier, you do
My friends told me one day I'll feel it too
And until then I'll smile to hide the truth
But I know I was happier with you
Sat on the corner of the room
Everything's reminding me of you
Nursing an empty bottle and telling myself you're happier
Aren't you?
Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you
But ain't nobody need you like I do
I know that there's others that deserve you
But my darling, I am still in love with you
But I guess you look happier, you do
My friends told me one day I'd feel it too
I could try to smile to hide the truth
I know I was happier with you
Baby, you look happier, you do
I knew one day you'd fall for someone new
But if breaks your heart like lovers do
Just know that I'll be waiting here for you
https://youtu.be/8TpcBDJZsJA